Birth control effectiveness of the Tiny Blue Dragon

Is the Tiny Blue Dragon right for me?

Everyone has different needs when it comes to birth control. Finding the method that is right for you means you should look into the advantages and disadvantages of each method and ask questions about its effectiveness. Here are some of the most common questions we hear women ask about the Tiny Blue Dragon. We hope the answers help you decide if it is the right method for you.

What is the Tiny Blue Dragon?

The Tiny Blue Dragon is a microscopic blue dragon, raised in and harvested from the ice caves of Greenland.

Does the Tiny Blue Dragon really exist?

Yes, the Tiny Blue Dragon really exists. A Greenlandic company, Der Haakrsmaerke Traginnen Ltd., has exclusive cultivation and distribution rights to the Tiny Blue Dragon. U.S.-based pharmaceutical companies have attempted to biologically engineer other colors of dragons in an effort to obtain patent rights within the U.S., but none has achieved success so far.

How does the Tiny Blue Dragon work?

It's pretty common for people to be confused about how the Tiny Blue Dragon works. For centuries, the women of Greenland summoned the Tiny Blue Dragon during complex ceremonies, though these ceremonies were rarely performed, as most women wished to have as many children as possible. During these times, legends and myths developed around the Tiny Blue Dragon. Many of these myths persist today.

Let us first debunk some common misconceptions about the Tiny Blue Dragon:

• The Tiny Blue Dragon does NOT cause dementia.
• The Tiny Blue Dragon does NOT inspire bloodlust.
• The Tiny Blue Dragon does NOT summon hordes of three-headed sea beasts that serve as the dragonmaster's minions and wreak havoc upon the dragonmaster's enemies.
• The Tiny Blue Dragon does NOT grant a woman powers to steal other women's husbands away from them in the night.
• The Tiny Blue Dragon does NOT cause one to expel fire from any orifice.

So, what does the Tiny Blue Dragon do? Well, some people find the workings of the Tiny Blue Dragon to be disturbing so be forewarned: Following a conjuring ceremony performed by a reproductive specialist, the Tiny Blue Dragon will hatch from its egg, fly into the woman's vagina, and set up a nest inside the woman's Fallopian tubes. The Tiny Blue Dragon then survives by consuming a woman's eggs. Tiny Blue Dragons have a lifespan that can reach forty years of age, thus ensuring long-lived protection.

If a woman decides she does not wish to utilize her Tiny Blue Dragon any longer, she must visit a reproductive specialist, who will perform an enchantment coaxing the Tiny Blue Dragon from its lair. The Tiny Blue Dragon is then brought to a facility in Greenland, where all Tiny Blue Dragons who have outlived their usefulness to humans go to live a comfortable life.

Uh ... can I just ... take a break for a second?

Yes, of course. Take as much time as you need.

Okay. How effective is the Tiny Blue Dragon?

Effectiveness is an important concern when selecting a birth control method. Cared for properly, the Tiny Blue Dragon is 99.9% effective. Tiny Blue Dragons have an abiding hunger for human eggs and it is extremely rare that a Tiny Blue Dragon will fail to consume all available eggs.

Keep in mind, however, that the Tiny Blue Dragon does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Use a latex or female condom to reduce the risk of infection.

So, how do you ... care for a Tiny Blue Dragon?

Tiny Blue Dragons need little direct care from their dragonmasters. They receive all their nutrients from the eggs they consume and their only waste is miniscule amounts of nitrogen that are naturally released from the woman's body. They do not appear to need attention, company, or sunlight to thrive. Additionally, all Tiny Blue Dragons utilized for birth control methods are male and therefore do not reproduce. Female Tiny Blue Dragons live in ice caves.

HOWEVER, it is important to note that the one condition that must be met is the daily chant of the Remark of Well-Being. The Remark of Well-Being is an English translation of a traditional Greenlandic enchantment and is essential for maintaining the Tiny Blue Dragon's healthy appetite and morale. If a Tiny Blue Dragon does not hear the Remark of Well-Being recited at least once in a twenty-four hour period, it will quickly become depressed and will usually leave the woman's body within forty-eight hours to search for a new dragonmaster. If a woman forgets the Remark of Well-Being, an emphatic incantation within twenty-four hours will almost always convince the Tiny Blue Dragon to remain.

Uh, wait ... what if somebody else's Tiny Blue Dragon already found me? (I can't even believe I'm saying that.)

Most Tiny Blue Dragons that leave their dragonmasters perish before finding a new dragonmaster. However, Tiny Blue Dragons that have left their dragonmasters do occasionally roost in other women who do not have a Tiny Blue Dragon. But if these women do not chant the Remark of Well-Being, the Tiny Blue Dragon will soon move on and will most likely perish.

Jesus. This is just...

If you need another break, please...

No, it's fine, just ... okay, so is the Tiny Blue Dragon safe? I mean...

For greater than ninety-nine percent of women, the Tiny Blue Dragon is entirely safe. Tiny Blue Dragons do not breathe fire or cause harm to their dragonmasters. They are remarkably benevolent symbiotes. Their presence is physically undetectable except through precise scientific testing.

A percentage of women that amounts to less than one percent of those who use the Tiny Blue Dragon may experience unusual dreams, often of a cold, blue, endless expanse in which loved ones who have passed away frolic and dance to what is commonly described as beautiful harp music. Some women who have these dreams (or visions) choose to stop using the Tiny Blue Dragon, but many others continue to use the Tiny Blue Dragon. The dreams do not appear to have any physical effect on women, though the dreams can have a discomfiting mental effect.

Notify your reproductive specialist if you experience these dreams.

I ... I'm just kind of ... I don't know what to say. This is...

A lot to take in. Yes. Most women are unaware of the well established research regarding the Tiny Blue Dragon. Additionally, prohibitively high costs have prevented most women from using the Tiny Blue Dragon. Recently, however, costs have decreased significantly. Though they are often in the several hundreds of dollars for most women, even with insurance, the result is lifelong birth control.

Are there any, uh ... positive side effects?

There are no additional physical benefits to the Tiny Blue Dragon, though some women find the Tiny Blue Dragon's presence comforting and may even name their dragons and consider them to be friends.

Okay. Well. I'll think about it, I guess.

Of course. Choosing a birth control method is an important decision and may take time. Remember, however, that putting off your planning may result in poor decision-making during sexual activities, which may result in an unanticipated pregnancy.

Fine! Fine. I'll do it.

We don't mean to pressure you.

Shut up.

Certainly. Feel free to call our...

Shut up! I'm putting a f*@king dragon in my vagina because of you, alright? Just shut up!

Okay, sorry, we just...

Sh!

Sorry.