Ideal rejection letters

Hi, Lucas. Thanks for letting us take a look at your piece, "Retarded Mutant Ninja Turtles." It was right for us. It really was. It's just that we think it's so good that you shouldn't bother publishing with us. I mean, a rink-a-dink outfit like us? Please. This is New Yorker quality material. In fact, I know the humor editor there and I've taken the liberty of forwarding your piece to him. I'm positive he'll love it and want to publish it in the magazine!

Best,

Samuel

***

Wow, Lucas. Wow. Very, very funny and smart. We'd love to publish this, it's just that we don't want to embarrass any of our other writers. It's that good. Next time, try sending us something a little less gut-bustingly amazing!

Best,

Oscar

***

Hello. I'm the humor editor at the New Yorker. My friend Samuel forwarded me your piece, "Retarded Mutant Ninja Turtles." I read it, loved it, and wanted to publish it in the magazine!

However, our lawyers advised us against it. You see, a significant portion of our readership is of advanced age. When they read this, they would be in serious danger from having a laughing fit so severe that it triggered a heart attack or stroke. The New Yorker might be considered liable for the deaths and damages that resulted. As such, we have come to regard your piece as so hilarious that it is possibly fatal, and therefore unpublishable.

My advice would be to dumb it down a great deal.

Regards,

Richard

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Mr. Klauss,

We at Blogger have removed a post entitled "Retarded Mutant Ninja Turtles" from your blog. This is a rare action on our part, but we have received numerous reports of guffaw-induced fatalities as a result of the previously mentioned post. Others have reported that they experienced relatively minor difficulties from reading the post, but only because they were able to stop reading about halfway through. As such, your post has been officially certified as a threat by the Department of Homeland Security. Additionally, your previous posts are subject to review for their threat levels, and you are prohibited from posting on this or any other publishing platform until further notice.

It seems, Mr. Klauss, that you are just too goddamned funny.

Sincerely,

Peter