More Banana "Facts"

I'm no crusader. I'm not an agitant. But when I see an injustice in our world that goes almost entirely unnoticed elsewhere in the media, how can I just sit by and let it happen?

In that spirit, I bring you another episode of Banana Facts, wherein I expose the banana companies' strange effort to inculcate kids with ... well, you'll see. Basically, I eat a lot of bananas. And I noticed a few months back that banana companies had started printing "fun" messages for kids on the outside of banana peels. They call them "Banana Facts," and generally they provide some kind of banana-related factoid. For example:


That's semi-interesting, at least. I certainly didn't know that banana plants didn't qualify as trees. So, as you can see, these messages can be both fun and educational. And who doesn't support that?

But every now and then, I find a banana with a decidedly odd "Fact" on it. Just take a look at this:


This is "true" in the sense that tiny venomous spiders do not burst out of bananas and eat children's faces. But the way that this factoid brings this up is unnecessarily and perhaps even cruelly frightening.

Weird, right? But then check out this banana that I found just a few days later:

Once more, the banana companies attempt to cast aspersions on other fruits, presumably in an effort to boost their own sales. I cannot even begin to imagine how any fruit, let alone these four specific fruits, could have played any kind of role, let alone a "significant" one, in the assassination of one of America's most beloved presidents. Not only that, but what kid even knows what the Warren Commission was?

So not only are the banana companies vaguely threatening children, they're also making libelous accusations that verge on treason (if you ask me).

But if you think that's as bad as it could get, take a gander at this diamond in the rough:


Good Lord. This is perverse. It takes the banana's classic status as a cause of humorous slips, trips, and falls and then thoroughly soils it by attaching it to what doesn't even remotely qualify as a joke (and certainly not a practical one). The logic of the connection is also breathtakingly false. So now we can add the inspiration of terrorist threats to the banana companies' list of crimes (not to mention illogic). Gee whiz.

I don't know who the banana cabals have bribed in order to allow this to continue happening, but I will pledge this: I will continue to report from the front lines in this war of words on our nation's bananas. Together we can make a difference.