This guy!
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Guess who has zero thumbs and partially as a result hasn't progressed very far up the evolutionary ladder?
Monday, November 30, 2009
Alibi Dry Cleaners
We are not responsible for items left over 30 days. We are not responsible for stains and blemishes that are unremovable. We are not responsible for the murder of Jake Arpino. We are not responsible for the murder of Horoshi Tanaka. We are definitely not responsible for the apparent murder-suicide Yvette Kirkland, that shameful whore. We are obviously not responsible for the rising heroin usage in the neighborhood; in fact, we have a "Say No to Drugs" sticker on our window, see?
We are certainly not responsible for any of the criminal events that occurred on Prospect Place between 1:22 A.M. and 2:03 A.M. on October 11, 2009. Nor are we responsible for the horrendous murder of Detective Trey Esposito, who was the principal investigator into the events of that evening, and whose death was a tragic and regretful one.
We are of course not responsible for the supposed election fraud at several sites in City Council District 11, which recently elected the great and honorable Eric Shimizu as its Council Member, long may he serve.
We are stunned that anyone would consider us responsible for the high-stakes, high-speed motorcycle races down Eastern Parkway that are rumored to award $50,000 to the winner and quick death to the last-place finisher.
And we would be simply outraged if we were somehow considered responsible for the upcoming "Night of Blood" in which dozens of members of prominent drug cartels throughout the city will be assassinated by ninjas.
We are far too busy dry cleaning clothes for us to responsible for any of this.
Additionally, items left over 30 days will be donated to Not-Yakuza Cares, an upstanding charity organization that is also not responsible for any of the above occurrences or money laundering.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Post-Thanksgiving Friday Video Friday: The American Budget Network with Andy Daly and the Avett Brothers
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Yes/No/Maybe: Damn fresh
Eastbound and Down. This show isn't great yet, but it has the potential to be the true inheritor of The Office. Like Gervais's original series (and I'm Alan Partridge before it), it's a show that centers on a man (Kenny Powers, a John Rocker-esque baseball star in decline) who is so narcissistic and awful that he wouldn't be sympathetic or even watchable if he wasn't so hilariously pathetic. It's Kenny Powers's transparent weakness, constantly contrasted with his delusional boasts, that gives this show its emotional weight. And it's that emotional weight that is crucial for a show like this to succeed, because, as in The Office, all the best laughs come from the most painful and embarrassing moments.
Unfortunately, this first season relies a bit too much on broad gags. Kenny Powers saying and doing outrageously terrible things is only funny insofar as it's tied to something deeper. And Will Ferrell just seems out place. But that's alright because, at just six episodes, this season feels like an introduction rather than a complete story, and the last couple of episodes set this show up to be something excellent. I hope the second season keeps up the momentum.
Also of note: 1. Andy Daly, who is awesome as the milquetoast principal, and 2. the music selections, consisting mostly of crunchy classic Southern rock (and this surprisingly touching Kenny Rogers song).
***
Fantastic Mr. Fox. Like many people, I started to fall out of love with Wes Anderson in the wake of The Life Aquatic. Mostly because his style, in that movie and in The Darjeeling Limited, overwhelmed the story and just wasn't as fresh anymore. But Mr. Fantastic Fox, while thoroughly a Wes Anderson movie, feels damn fresh. Why is that? I think it's because he's adapting a classic story and so he has tell the story, and also because the meticulous, twee, visually emphatic way he tells stories is perfect for a stop-motion animated children's tale.
Anyway, it's a gorgeous, funny, charming movie, for kids or adults. I loved it.
***
A Strange Arrangement by Mayer Hawthorne. Some reviewers are fuh-reaking out about how lovely and true to the Motown sound this album is. And, yes, true true true. But this has been done before, and very well, and very recently! Jim by Jamie Lidell, for instance, came out just last year. And, before that, This is Ryan Shaw by Ryan Shaw. Both great, Motowny albums! I'm just saying, A Strange Arrangement is definitely smooth, but it is not a revelation.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
An opening excerpt from my YA novel
Some exciting news, y'all:
As of yesterday, I have a literary agent. An actual literary agent to represent my YA novel. No joke. It's pretty cool.
So, now that things are moving forward, I wanted to give you guys a sneak peek at the book. To challenge myself, I wrote this novel from the perspective of a female teenager. I think that some of my best writing happens when I stretch myself a little bit, so I hope this opening chapter is reflective of that.
Anyway, here is the beginning of my YA novel, Girl Times. Hope you enjoy it.
Girl Times
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Brianna Warthington was just not having a great period this month. In fact, she was having a bad period. Like, supermegabad. Maybe even the worst period EVER.
Anyway whatever, she called her bestie, Rihanna Bakerson, who was an African-American girl, to talk about it. People at school called them "Rihanna Brianna Banana" because they were such good friends and because both of their names rhymed with the word "banana." Nobody cared that they were different races. Even if one of them had been a lesbian, no one would have cared, because that's just how teenagers are today.
Brianna stopped sexting her boyfriend, Conner Vasquez, who was half-Hispanic and all hotness, and used her Apple iPhone to call Rihanna. As she waited for Rihanna to answer, she lay on her bed and dreamed about all the clothes she was going to buy later when she drove her Saab to the Anthropologie at the Boulevards, Brianna's favorite place to shop when she wasn't shopping online, which she did a lot of, too.
"Hey, bitch," Rihanna said funnily as she finally answered her own iPhone. She had probably been busy sexting her boyfriend, Dayashankar Red Crow, who has half-Indian and half-American Indian, and, like, Brianna's bf, one hundred percent from the subcontinent of Gorgeous.
"Hey, slut," Brianna said back. She and Rihanna called each other "slut" and "bitch" and similar things because they loved the thrill of it.
"So, let me guess," Rihanna said, "your period is, like, the worst period in history times a million."
Brianna laughed out loud, big time. "How did you know that?"
"Uh, give me a break, whore! You're my BFF! Our menstrual cycles are always in sync and right now I am having the WORST period anybody has ever had. Except you, I guess!"
Brianna laughed again. Then she turned up the music that had been playing this whole time, from Fall Out Boy's best album, and started dancing. She was so random sometimes, but she loved it! But then the dancing made her period feel even worse.
"Owwwwwwwwwww," she moaned.
"Oh, girl," Rihanna said. "You sound awful. You should come over to my house and we'll make a video for YouTube!"
"Yeah!" Brianna said. "Okay, see you soon, trick."
"Okay, whoreface."
They hung up their iPhones. Brianna took an Aleve with a sip of Coke Zero to help with her ridiculous period. Then she grabbed the car keys to her Saab and was just about to walk out of her room and tell her single mom, Cassie, who managed to work a full-time job and still be a great, cool mother that wasn't too fussy, that she'd be going to Rihanna's. Brianna was going to have a great time and maybe even forget about her period.
But right then, a vampire walked into her room.
"Hi," he said, his cheekbones sparkling, "my name is Othello."
Brianna wondered what would happen now.
Monday, November 23, 2009
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